Ravens trade Anquan Boldin to 49ers because “Mom said so, that’s why.”

   The Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens traded Pro Bowl wide receiver Anquan Boldin to the NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers this week for a 6th round draft pick, after involved coaches Jim and John Harbaugh’s mom, Jackie Harbaugh, “said we had to”.
   ”Now Jim, your team won last time.  You need to give your brother a turn.”
   “But maaaa-aaaahm!  He’s one of my best guys!” Jim protested.  ”Oh my gosh, he already gets COLIN!”  Jim then stormed off to his room and could not be reached for comment.

SERIOUSLY WITH THIS SUPER BOWL SHIT!?

by Chaz Harbaugh, Senior VP – in charge of sales

OMFG, America, get a room! I get it, my little bros Jim and John are good at coaching football, NOICE. You’ve been tounge-kissing those buttmunches for over a week now. Dudes! Seriously with this Super Bowl shit?! You THINK this Sunday is the Har-Brawl to Settle it All. P’shaw, brosef! They’re just lubin’ you up for Bachelor #3: ME Chaz Harbaugh.

Hey, I’m a coach of sorts too.  Not the sideline, buttslapper kind.  I coach money to turn into more money.  #YOLO!  Lemme admit right off, I’m proud of these two douchebags. I’m not a big sports guy, other than playing a shitload of “Golden Tee” in my basement.  Yeah, I’ve got my own Golden Tee arcade machine. So I ain’t sweatin’ it, brah. Let’s look at facts: I been givin’ the best nougies in the Harbaugh family since the 70s.  No homo.  I been givin’ those knuckleheads, wet willies, wedgies and melvins since we were in diapers.  I gave wicked baby noug’s!  Even got my catch phrase: “Ch-ch-ch-chaaazzzzz, mothafuckaz!” (That’s trademarked, bitches)

Listen, I knew I’d be the most swagilicious Har-Bro from the start. You don’t become the top restaurant-supply salesman in the upper-Midwest region, 3 years running, without being the BEST.  Do you have any idea how many industrial mixers I sold last year?  Shit.  I’m neck-deep in the best poontang in Fond du Lac, Winsconsin and it’s not because I wear khakis to work and a little sharpie around my neck like a fuckin’ choad.  And when that restaurant-supply money train rolls in, I collect that $weet, $weet nut and get MAD extra-cirricular at some investing shit.  This year the Chazster managed the shit out of a certain hedge fund that jacked my portfolio up by 46%! In THIS economy!? C’mon, brah!  I’m squeezin’ Dom Perignon outta Monster Energy cans!  Damn, I just invented a SWEET cocktail.

If you aren’t already nursin’ a raging Har-Boner, pick up a copy of Jetski Enthusiast. You guys read Jetski Enthuisiast magazine, right? Of course you don’t. You poor-ass sports fans complain about $11 beers. My piss is worth twice that. Your ass is never gonna step to the champagne lifestyle of a motherfuckin’ 2-cup-holder-havin’ personal luxury watercraft (That’s WATERcraft, not “Warcraft” for you troll-humpers).  Get your hands on the March 2007 issue and peep that cover, yo. Pretty recognizable mug on that one. Spoiler alert: Chaz Harbaugh, dumbfucks!

Yeah, I’ll let those dickfaces have their moment on Sunday.  You better believe I’m gonna bust the balls of whoever loses!  I ain’t hatin’.  Just sayin’.  Peace!

Who’s Buggin’ NFL fans this week!?

Good job, Baltimore!  Your Super Bowl berth has inspired a QUADRUPLING of your “annoying factor” this week  (truth: that means 3 votes)!  The 49ers received zero new votes this week.

Additional note from the data: Cowboys fans may be more self-aware than we thought.  They have rated themselves an average self-assessment score of 4.26 (out of 5) when asked “How annoying do other fans perceive your fans?”  Patriots fans, meanwhile, give themselves a “3″ on the annoying scale.

As always, you can VOTE HERE!

 

(Yes, every vote is counted and graphed in an ongoing effort to understand NFL rivalries and trends.  Every ridiculous “Seahawks fans eat garbage!” comment is read and enjoyed by an actual human who is compiling all data into attractive graphs for the future.  Updates are generally once a week.  Eventually we’ll break down who-annoys-who by favorite teams, locations and divisional rivalries.  Stay tuned for like…forever.  And tell your friends, as more votes = more accuracy.)

ANNOYING FAN UPDATE! 1/7/13

Can anyone catch the Raiders!? The Packers and Steelers are closing in!

As of 1/7/13, here are your MOST ANNOYING FAN BASES in the NFL! Keep voting right here!

Your Team’s Name Probably Isn’t Better Than the Pelicans

Scott recently mentioned the fact that the New Orleans Hornets are contemplating changing their name to the Pelicans rather than doing the sensible thing and swapping names with the Utah Jazz. Despite some voices to the contrary, the general consensus about the name change was “lame,” “sucks” and “sucks balls.” (Note that this sample size is based on my Facebook friends, which tells me that I need to go through and start cleaning those people I sort of knew in high school out of my Friends list.) I was particularly intrigued that the first person to make fun of the name change is a fan of the New York Knicks. Because apparently a team nickname based on carnivorous waterfowl is incredibly lame but a nickname based on the Dutch settlers of New York in the 1600s is sufficiently bad-assed.

There are a ton of sports team names that we accept without thinking because the team has been around for 100 years but we would probably find pretty ridiculous if they were suggested today. Of course, no one would propose a team nickname without going through scores of market research, demographic analysis and focus groups. So I wondered if that was also the case for team naming that took place decades ago. Through hours of dogged research at the archives of the American Society for Sports Team Naming (ASSTN), I was able to find responses from ACTUAL FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANTS from when today’s classic sports teams were first named. I think you’ll find their responses quite illuminating:

BOSTON RED SOX FOCUS GROUP, DECEMBER 1907

 

 

MIAMI DOLPHINS FOCUS GROUP, MARCH 1966

 

NEW YORK YANKEES FOCUS GROUP, FEBRUARY 1913

 

CHICAGO WHITE SOX FOCUS GROUP, MARCH 1901

 

NEW YORK KNICKS FOCUS GROUP, JUNE 1946

LOS ANGELES LAKERS FOCUS GROUP, JULY 1959

The Goddamn Patriots are Going to the Super Bowl Again

Get used to this shit.

Watching the New England Patriots dominate the Houston Texans, I realized: The Goddamn Patriots are going to the Super Bowl again. Sorry haters, it’s not their fault that your team can’t beat them. New England’s last two appearances have been terribly disappointing anyway.

Right now, the Texans and Falcons have the best records in the NFL. The Falcons are an NFC team, but they’re not going to the Super Bowl either (it’ll be the Packers). Anything can still happen. I will not edit this should the following predictions go horribly wrong. Opinions are based largely on hunches and favorite colors.

Let’s run down both conferences after this healthy dose of perspective:

AFC

BRONCOS: Oh sweet irony! The Broncos will lose in their first game to the Colts or Tim Tebow (Mark Sanchez) and the New York Jets…in a long shot (Would it be more ironic if the Colts lost to the Peyton Manning-led Broncos?) Truth be told, I’m an AFC West rival fan so my personal bias may be getting the best of me. If the Patriots don’t make the Super Bowl, the Broncos will win it all and I will hate it.

COLTS: Like I said, they beat the Broncos in the first round, but are done in the second, probably against the Texans. It’ll be exciting. After sandbagging last season to get Andrew Luck, they will win 2 more Super Bowls this decade.

RAVENS: They looked unstoppable pre-injuries. Ray Lewis in the twilight of his career is even turning his image into a gentle giant, kind of a “Mean Joe” Green for the 2010s. Now he’ll be back just in time for the playoffs. They’ll stick around for sure. If they can beat the Texans, we’ll see them in the AFC title game.

TEXANS: I love Arian Foster. He’s a fascinating human being. He has dapper style. He hikes in the desert and yells at “The Universe”. I’d love to see Houston make the Super Bowl. I’d love to go hiking with Arian. They had such promising (Oiler) teams in the 90s only to lose in some real stunners. They beat the Bears at their own game – a sloppy turf war. Then they whipped the Ravens, but this week, though, they looked too human against the Patriots. You’ll them in the AFC Championship, but it doesn’t matter because:

The Goddamn PATRIOTS are going to the Super Bowl again: I don’t even care that they lost to the Cardinals in week 1 and then the Ravens. It’s probably some diabolical Belichick plan to create drama. The Patriots are on fire now and the rest of the league is out of water. They utterly dismantled the (arguably) best team in the AFC this week. If it were in Houston, I think New England STILL would have won. They have that “je ne sais quoi” (French for “X-Factor”) of a champion. Am I a Patriots fan? Nope. They’re going to the Super Bowl again and will win it this time. Just accept it.

BENGALS (or STEELERS…or if the Mayan calendar proves true, the JETS): One and done. I’m glad my Pittsburgh family doesn’t read this blog.
NFC

BEARS: They’re 0-3 vs. other teams in this list and have been outscored by those teams 68-23. Playoffs, yes. One and done.

49ers: They’ll win a playoff game, but not two.

FALCONS: I want the Falcons to win. I’m on their bandwagon because my team (the Chiefs) stinks and I’m a big Tony Gonzalez. I have actually directed the guy for television (have I mentioned that before?) and really like him, both personally and for the KC nostalgia he represents. I even have a Falcons HAT. They’ve only lost two games this year, both to bad teams in their division. I take division losses lightly because anything can happen in those games. Still, I think they’ll get knocked out in a tragic NFC title game vs. the Packers. Maybe it’s my cynicism as a Chiefs fan. I hope I’m wrong. If they beat the Giants this week, we’ll talk.

PACKERS: They’re going to the Super Bowl. Unless…

GIANTS: If they beat the Falcons this week…next week’s blog will be titled “The Goddamn Giants are going to win the Super Bowl…again”. Even if they win just ONE of their next three games, don’t be surprised when they make an “unlikely run” through the playoffs, quietly picking off opponents like the Dark Knight hiding in shadows. They’re the Giants; a C+ season and strong playoff run is how they do.

SEAHAWKS: Will lose to the Packers in the playoffs. The football gods will see to it. It’s too bad, their uniforms – not surprisingly – are becoming the NFL’s own University of Oregon.

VIKINGS (or REDSKINS): One-and-done.

That’s it. That’s what’s happening. I’d love to see a Ravens / Falcons Super Bowl. Defense vs. Offense. Two veterans in their last chance at glory. Instead, the Patriots will beat the Packers in the Super Bowl and score more combined points than any Super Bowl in history. Most of us are probably bored at the idea already. Deal with it. Find a good party and watch the Patriots win the Goddamn Super Bowl again.

Space Aliens Agree: Utah Hornets & New Orleans Jazz

New Orleans and Salt Lake City need to trade NBA team nicknames giving us the New Orleans Jazz and the Utah Hornets. If you came from another planet and were given a list of facts about each city and team nickname this is how you’d pair them up. Why? Let’s start with the obvious:

The Jazz, and their Mardi Gras inspired color scheme originally moved from New Orleans to Utah, where – the movie “Baseketball” claims – “They don’t allow music”. That’s a little harsh, but musically: Utah gave us the Osmonds (“a little bit country” and “a little bit rock and roll” = 0% jazz) and Mormon Tabernacle Choir – both quality in their own right. New Orleans, however, gave us Louis Armstrong, Jelly Roll Morton and…I guess the Neville Brothers. New Orleans is SO into jazz they actually have a jazz trumpet on their 2nd logo!

We’d all be cool with them switching. The Jazz and Hornets are just stuck in the status quo like two coworkers with massive crushes on each other afraid to make the first move. Maybe what they both need is a drink.

Hey, let’s talk about alcohol! Utah is the home to notoriously conservative liquor laws. Jazz music gained popularity through illegal speakeasies during prohibition. Drugs and alcohol dance hand and hand with jazz. Though, Utah’s prohibition-inspired liquor laws are as close as you can get to the “Jazz Age” in modern America. This one’s a wash.

On the flip side, Utah is the BEEHIVE STATE. They have a beehive on the flag! Look!

There’s some story about Mormon pioneers traveling with a shit ton of bees on their way to Salt Lake City and they like their industriousness. So, what is a hornet but a bee that’s become more and more pissed off over millennia of evolution. The hornet is vaguely cultural and speaks to their religious heritage. Call the stadium the “HIVE” and have “SWARMS” of fans. Let the team ride in on covered wagons even. You’d have to call them the “Joseph Smiths” to be any more perfect! You may be thinking “But a hornet is technically a WASP, not a “bee”. To that point: 1. Congratulations on splitting hairs. 2. Here is a density map of Americans who claim English heritage. Add to that: The state is 95% white and 64% Mormon and you’ll notice a remarkably high concentration of WASPs (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants) in Utah. So yeah, science.

FIG. 1.a — Americans claiming English descent. Dark red/brown being the highest percentage.

Final note: Be careful with your football team, New Orleans. Utah is also home to the world headquarters of the Latter Day Saints and the original state nickname “Land of the Saints”.