We should have seen this coming.
Alert readers Julian Gray and Christopher Holbrook of Los Angeles, CA noticed that professional basketballer Anthony Davis bears a striking resemblance to his recently rebranded team, The New Orleans Pelicans.
x VooDoo Magic
= Anthony “Pelican Brow” Davis.
His destiny is fulfilled.
The Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens traded Pro Bowl wide receiver Anquan Boldin to the NFC Champion San Francisco 49ers this week for a 6th round draft pick, after involved coaches Jim and John Harbaugh’s mom, Jackie Harbaugh, “said we had to”.
“Now Jim, your team won last time. You need to give your brother a turn.”
“But maaaa-aaaahm! He’s one of my best guys!” Jim protested. “Oh my gosh, he already gets COLIN!” Jim then stormed off to his room and could not be reached for comment.
OMFG, America, get a room! I get it, my little bros Jim and John are good at coaching football, NOICE. You’ve been tounge-kissing those buttmunches for over a week now. Dudes! Seriously with this Super Bowl shit?! You THINK this Sunday is the Har-Brawl to Settle it All. P’shaw, brosef! They’re just lubin’ you up for Bachelor #3: ME Chaz Harbaugh.
Hey, I’m a coach of sorts too. Not the sideline, buttslapper kind. I coach money to turn into more money. #YOLO! Lemme admit right off, I’m proud of these two douchebags. I’m not a big sports guy, other than playing a shitload of “Golden Tee” in my basement. Yeah, I’ve got my own Golden Tee arcade machine. So I ain’t sweatin’ it, brah. Let’s look at facts: I been givin’ the best nougies in the Harbaugh family since the 70s. No homo. I been givin’ those knuckleheads, wet willies, wedgies and melvins since we were in diapers. I gave wicked baby noug’s! Even got my catch phrase: “Ch-ch-ch-chaaazzzzz, mothafuckaz!” (That’s trademarked, bitches)
Listen, I knew I’d be the most swagilicious Har-Bro from the start. You don’t become the top restaurant-supply salesman in the upper-Midwest region, 3 years running, without being the BEST. Do you have any idea how many industrial mixers I sold last year? Shit. I’m neck-deep in the best poontang in Fond du Lac, Winsconsin and it’s not because I wear khakis to work and a little sharpie around my neck like a fuckin’ choad. And when that restaurant-supply money train rolls in, I collect that $weet, $weet nut and get MAD extra-cirricular at some investing shit. This year the Chazster managed the shit out of a certain hedge fund that jacked my portfolio up by 46%! In THIS economy!? C’mon, brah! I’m squeezin’ Dom Perignon outta Monster Energy cans! Damn, I just invented a SWEET cocktail.
If you aren’t already nursin’ a raging Har-Boner, pick up a copy of Jetski Enthusiast. You guys read Jetski Enthuisiast magazine, right? Of course you don’t. You poor-ass sports fans complain about $11 beers. My piss is worth twice that. Your ass is never gonna step to the champagne lifestyle of a motherfuckin’ 2-cup-holder-havin’ personal luxury watercraft (That’s WATERcraft, not “Warcraft” for you troll-humpers). Get your hands on the March 2007 issue and peep that cover, yo. Pretty recognizable mug on that one. Spoiler alert: Chaz Harbaugh, dumbfucks!
Yeah, I’ll let those dickfaces have their moment on Sunday. You better believe I’m gonna bust the balls of whoever loses! I ain’t hatin’. Just sayin’. Peace!