Here’s a quick look at the sports programming for Thursday that you’ll miss because you were too busy watching the same thing as everyone else (all times Pacific):
Classic Rugby Union from 1980: New Zealand vs. Fiji (Fox Soccer Plus, 1 a.m.): There’s usually very little common ground between rugby and basketball (one sport managed to bring together South Africa after decades of Apartheid, while the other brought us the loathsome Dream Team II), but you’ll be thinking about classic NBA games if you watch the test match from 1980 between the All-Blacks (New Zealand) and the Actually Blacks (Fiji). Why? Two words: short shorts.
While it’s tough to argue that the shorts you’ll see on display are snugger than the nut huggers you might find if you watch, say, a 76ers vs. Celtics game from the same time frame, please consider the sheer level of waist-level grabbing and smashing in a typical rugby match. Then consider doing this with your junk practically exposed, protected only by a tight layer of nylon stretched over your manhood like an ill-fitting Christo installation. It will be tough to watch without crossing your legs instinctively.
NFL’s Greatest Games from 1940: Chicago at Washington (ESPN Classic, 4:30 a.m.): Reliving the NFL Championship Game where the Bears thrashed the Redskins 73-0, as Chicago tallied eight interceptions. Since both franchises would eventually be the home of one Rex Daniel Grossman III, the high interception tallies shouldn’t be shocking.
Three Wide Life (Sunshine Network, 10:30 p.m.): A look at “the top NASCAR teams and personalities away from the track.” Note: this is not a show about the eating habits of Yankees’ hurler Bartolo Colon – that is called “Three Bills Life” and is on The Food Network. Because he’s fat.