The Goddamn Patriots are Going to the Super Bowl Again

Get used to this shit.

Watching the New England Patriots dominate the Houston Texans, I realized: The Goddamn Patriots are going to the Super Bowl again. Sorry haters, it’s not their fault that your team can’t beat them. New England’s last two appearances have been terribly disappointing anyway.

Right now, the Texans and Falcons have the best records in the NFL. The Falcons are an NFC team, but they’re not going to the Super Bowl either (it’ll be the Packers). Anything can still happen. I will not edit this should the following predictions go horribly wrong. Opinions are based largely on hunches and favorite colors.

Let’s run down both conferences after this healthy dose of perspective:

AFC

BRONCOS: Oh sweet irony! The Broncos will lose in their first game to the Colts or Tim Tebow (Mark Sanchez) and the New York Jets…in a long shot (Would it be more ironic if the Colts lost to the Peyton Manning-led Broncos?) Truth be told, I’m an AFC West rival fan so my personal bias may be getting the best of me. If the Patriots don’t make the Super Bowl, the Broncos will win it all and I will hate it.

COLTS: Like I said, they beat the Broncos in the first round, but are done in the second, probably against the Texans. It’ll be exciting. After sandbagging last season to get Andrew Luck, they will win 2 more Super Bowls this decade.

RAVENS: They looked unstoppable pre-injuries. Ray Lewis in the twilight of his career is even turning his image into a gentle giant, kind of a “Mean Joe” Green for the 2010s. Now he’ll be back just in time for the playoffs. They’ll stick around for sure. If they can beat the Texans, we’ll see them in the AFC title game.

TEXANS: I love Arian Foster. He’s a fascinating human being. He has dapper style. He hikes in the desert and yells at “The Universe”. I’d love to see Houston make the Super Bowl. I’d love to go hiking with Arian. They had such promising (Oiler) teams in the 90s only to lose in some real stunners. They beat the Bears at their own game – a sloppy turf war. Then they whipped the Ravens, but this week, though, they looked too human against the Patriots. You’ll them in the AFC Championship, but it doesn’t matter because:

The Goddamn PATRIOTS are going to the Super Bowl again: I don’t even care that they lost to the Cardinals in week 1 and then the Ravens. It’s probably some diabolical Belichick plan to create drama. The Patriots are on fire now and the rest of the league is out of water. They utterly dismantled the (arguably) best team in the AFC this week. If it were in Houston, I think New England STILL would have won. They have that “je ne sais quoi” (French for “X-Factor”) of a champion. Am I a Patriots fan? Nope. They’re going to the Super Bowl again and will win it this time. Just accept it.

BENGALS (or STEELERS…or if the Mayan calendar proves true, the JETS): One and done. I’m glad my Pittsburgh family doesn’t read this blog.
NFC

BEARS: They’re 0-3 vs. other teams in this list and have been outscored by those teams 68-23. Playoffs, yes. One and done.

49ers: They’ll win a playoff game, but not two.

FALCONS: I want the Falcons to win. I’m on their bandwagon because my team (the Chiefs) stinks and I’m a big Tony Gonzalez. I have actually directed the guy for television (have I mentioned that before?) and really like him, both personally and for the KC nostalgia he represents. I even have a Falcons HAT. They’ve only lost two games this year, both to bad teams in their division. I take division losses lightly because anything can happen in those games. Still, I think they’ll get knocked out in a tragic NFC title game vs. the Packers. Maybe it’s my cynicism as a Chiefs fan. I hope I’m wrong. If they beat the Giants this week, we’ll talk.

PACKERS: They’re going to the Super Bowl. Unless…

GIANTS: If they beat the Falcons this week…next week’s blog will be titled “The Goddamn Giants are going to win the Super Bowl…again”. Even if they win just ONE of their next three games, don’t be surprised when they make an “unlikely run” through the playoffs, quietly picking off opponents like the Dark Knight hiding in shadows. They’re the Giants; a C+ season and strong playoff run is how they do.

SEAHAWKS: Will lose to the Packers in the playoffs. The football gods will see to it. It’s too bad, their uniforms – not surprisingly – are becoming the NFL’s own University of Oregon.

VIKINGS (or REDSKINS): One-and-done.

That’s it. That’s what’s happening. I’d love to see a Ravens / Falcons Super Bowl. Defense vs. Offense. Two veterans in their last chance at glory. Instead, the Patriots will beat the Packers in the Super Bowl and score more combined points than any Super Bowl in history. Most of us are probably bored at the idea already. Deal with it. Find a good party and watch the Patriots win the Goddamn Super Bowl again.